Another Day in the Old Bailey

-*CURTAINS UP*-

SCENE:
Stereotypical English court. People with bad teeth in wigs on the bench. People with bad teeth in somber faces on the floor. People with bad teeth and perpetual boredom in the gallery. Pinstripes and an a orthodontist's nightmare. You get the picture.

LORD HONOURABLE RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE FOTHERINGTON-SMITH-SMYTHE-SMITH (fat, windy, pleuritic, bad teeth) :
Miserable little corporate person, you stand accused of two counts of discriminating in the first degree against people of age. How do you plead?

GRINDLING FLINKINGTON-TWAT, QC (short, dynamic, good teeth):
M'lud, we plead no contest on the basis of the fact that everyone is in fact a 'person of age'.

SMITH:
Shut up and plead properly, you unspeakable little turd.

TWAT:
In that case, you fat bastard, not guilty. Not even a little bit, boy howdy.

SMITH (gavelling):
There will be no Transatlanticisms in my court!

TWAT:
Sorry, M'lud. *sotto voce* You windy old whore.

SMITH:
Mr. Cribble, present your case.

MR. GILPOT CRIBBLE, LLB (short, dumpy, scraped through law school, bad teeth):
Mr. Cribble for the Crown, my Lord. The case before us today is open and shut. The defendant, Mr. Reginald Breadbasket, has clearly been defying the new age discrimination legislation with a breathtaking impertinence. The Crown will assert that on several occasions, we received information that Mr. Breadbasket refused to meet with potential job applicants purely on the basis of their personal information.

COURT:
Shame! Cake! Violets! Shame again! etc.

CRIBBLE:
The Crown then took up the opportunity to test rang Mr. Breadbasket. He was contacted several times from a number of sources, which varied very little information between job applications except for the age range. What was taking place was perfectly clear.

SMITH:
Mr. Twat, the opening presentation for the prosecution.

TWAT:
M,lud, I think this whole problem could be cleared up with a word from Mr. Breadbasket himself.

SMITH:
Hmm. This is highly irregular. I'm going to allow it.

BREADBASKET (young, bald, dynamic, possibly Australian, definitely good-looking):
My Lord, ladies and gentlemen of the court.

This is all a colossal waste of time.

Legislating things such as this make us feel good, because we are doing something about discrimination which is in principle A Bad Thing. However, we also inscribe these laws as if they will somehow enforce themselves. If this discrimination is a crime, it is not one which will easily bring itself to the courts. Have you ever considered merely how easy it is to hide behind euphemism? How many alternative excuses can be given for simply rejecting a candidate for a job, in amongst something which is done with other noticable (and perfectly legal) biases involved?

I can include arbitrary qualities in the job application which certain demographics may be unable to fulfill. For example, young people make bad stenographers and old people make bad computer programmers.

I can for ask references which people simply can't possess. A young person might not have a professional track record of 5 years. An old person might not have evidence of having worked in a 'recent industry role' for some time.

I can provide an annual physical which disadvantages or disenfranchises the old. I can provide a contract whose schedule could not possibly be kept to.

Best of all, I can accept the application then reject it after interview or 'consultation' because the 'character of the person in question does not seem suited for this organisation'. People are rejected on the basis of character all the time. A shabby, disorganised or uncharismatic person is already at a distinct disadvantage in any situation where they need to present themselves attractively. Will we ever legislate against my blatant non-hiring of ugly people to work on front desks, or midgets to work in the file and copy room when they can't reach the fax machine?

COURT:
Woo! Bowlderise my ferret! etc.

BREADBASKET:
Unless I actually use the phrase 'fuck off, you stupid old person' and you actually catch me doing it rather than merely alleging it as hearsay, I will charge that you have bollocks-all chance of convicting me. There are any number of ways that I can run my business and not be affected one sodding bit by this powderpuff piece of legislation.

Lastly, if you don't trust me to make the ultimate decision of what's best for my own business, based on all the available information and research, then you can shove your legislation right up your fat gerbil-lubed cornhole.

SMITH (apoplexy):
ORDER!

BREADBASKET:
Or the lack of it. Why is the country so concerned with the free market when it comes to competition and so hostile to it when it comes to recruitment? Do you think for a second if I got a young, old, pregnant or ethnic job applicant who was better than everyone else that I wouldn't take them? You've got one foot in the free market and the other in socialism and your balls in no-man's-land. You're fucking fooling yourself, mate.

SMITH (the colour of a Liverpudlian drunk's first dump of the day):
YOU, SIR, ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THIS COURT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. UP WITH THIS I WILL NOT STAND! STAND UP, I THIS THE WITH WILL! BWARGH AND OTHER RAGEFUL NOISES!

BREADBASKET:
Well said, fatty. Now, good luck trying to convict me.

-*CURTAINS DOWN FOR ACT ONE. THEY GIVE ME THE PULTIZER ALREADY EVEN THOUGH THERE IS SEVERAL MORE ACTS OF STEREOTYPICAL BRI'ISH HOGWASH TO GO.*-